You've got pretty much all of me... [His unfocused eyes don't move, still just tiny mirrors in his skull facing in a random direction. He doesn't mean to sound romantic, but sometimes when you're super dramatic, everything you say sounds like life or death. No, no one else knows what he's up to, he's been able to stay out of the news. Matt hasn't gotten badly hurt since he's gone out, so no explaining that there. He felt that Peter was the only one left because he was understood by the other man. You always think the one you love understands you the best, and they never do.]
( it is oddly romantic, considering who is saying it, but Peter doesn't assume that is what Matt means. he sort of just figures Matt means he'll do what Peter asks to make sure they can scrape him off this sofa sometime in the next few hours. plus the blood loss has to be making him a little loopy. if he wanted to dig into it to really think about it (he definitely doesn't), they're both on that same page, the only other person in the world that understands well enough to be leaned on. if only they could actually let themselves.
Peter's senses sizzle uncomfortably at the wince before Matt even makes the sound, and despite the fact he doesn't pull back, he definitely feels terrible about it. ) Sorry, sorry, sorry. ( he reaches for Matt's hand and uses it to take the place of his own on the gauze. apparently he has a needle to thread, he needs both hands for that. ) Hold that. On a scale of one to ten, how much am I going to hate this stitches thing?
( Peter is gently estimating about a... 26? maybe 28, if Matt is going to make more sounds like that. )
[Matt starts breathing in a odd rhythm, trying to imitate what Stick taught him so many years ago, what he did every time he was half dead. Maybe to Peter, it would sound like a television character going through childbirth. What a weirdo. He holds the gauze, and tries to assure Peter.] Well, it'll be an experience to remember. Is this an okay place? You comfortable? It's going to take a bit.
[What he said to Peter echos around in his head. And yeah, the blood loss does have him loopy, because he repeats himself.] You know that, right? You have me.
( it does sound a little weird, he'll give him that. but when it comes to pain, everyone needs a coping mechanism. if that helped him, Peter wouldn't mention it. for his part, even if it probably won't help Peter occasionally uses a bag of frozen peas to ice whatever hurts worse, as if it would magically make it better. sometimes it feels like it does. sure it's not a half defrosted steak from a broken deep freezer, but it feels like something Uncle Ben would have had him do anyway, so he does it.
Peter can't help it, he huffs a laugh at the question. ) Matt I have to sew you back together. No, I'm not comfortable, but probably still doing better than you. ( his position is awkward, yes, but this is just how he is these days. he can contort without thinking about it and his body doesn't protest odd twists of his limbs. something that they usually have more fun taking advantage of it, but at least he doesn't have to worry about his legs falling asleep.
the needle is ready, though, which means he can only delay so much longer. Matt is distracting him, really, but when isn't he? ) Huh? Yeah, yeah, I heard you. ( hearing isn't quite the same as understanding, though. with Matt so close it is easy to angle a quick kiss against his jaw, and Peter doesn't care in the slightest the guy is sweating, bloody, and probably feverish from his injuries. he seems like he needs the comfort, and besides, maybe Peter needs the little comfort too. ) Tell me how to do this before you pass out, huh?
( truth be told the stitches might be easier on both of them if he did, though after they were over Peter would probably die of the stress waiting for him to wake up again. )
[Matt could feel Peter coming in close but he still flinched a little-- out of confusion. Why was he being kissed? He noticed it did seem to even out Peter's heartbeat, so let it roll. He exhaled a little laugh.] Thanks.
[As for the stitches, Matt tried to figure out a way to explain it to him. He did it for his dad as a kid and remembered it being pretty scary the first time. Oh right, that's why Jack let Matt have some bourbon.] Do you want a drink to calm down? That's what my dad-- anyway, okay, you're going to make a stitch, then tie it off, and make another. Go in at a 90 degree angle. Just above the fat. You know how to tie off thread? [He was going to make this up to Peter somehow. They'd go to Coney Island or some shit and Matt would win Peter a giant Spider-Man plushie. Yeah, that sounds nice. Oh boy, Matt was starting to feel dizzy.]
( yes, it is true the kiss was probably for Peter's benefit more than Matt's. shh. it is harder to let his brain run away with how the guy is definitely on death's door when he gets close enough to remind himself Matt is still talking, thinking, moving. it isn't as bad as it looks and it feels, at least, it won't be if he gets him fixed up soon enough.
Peter sits silently listening to instruction, and maybe even going through the motions in the air as Matt explains it. hopefully he's too blood deprived to pay attention, because it is admittedly dumb, but Peter wants to have a little practice before he's stabbing a guy with a horrific looking needle. making his own suits is never going to be the same after this. )
Yeah, ( and that is not a very clear answer, considering it is impossible to say if he's talking about the drink or tying off. ) Okay. I can do this. ( he feels sick, but, if he's going to throw up he'll do it later. why is it so much worse when it was someone else? he pulls back the gauze (less bloody than the first, that's good), gives himself one last internal peptalk, and leans forward to focus on his first stitch.
Matt doesn't mention if he feels the fact the first prick is pulled back out immediately, or if the first stitch might be too wide. Peter isn't willing to pull it out for another go, he'll just do another if he has to. ) Oh god, ( he says, mostly to himself, but he ties off the first with slightly shaky hands. )
[Matt started to breathe slowly when he feels the needle pierce his skin and then-- ugh. Matt's guilt was pretty awful by now, with Peter sounding so distressed and his adrenaline spiking. He didn't want to have Peter do this. He felt like he didn't deserve this friendship (or whatevership they had).] S-sorry, I know it's gross but you can do it. Don't think of it as flesh.
[He turned his head so that Peter could see his face from his position behind him. He wanted to shh shh and it's ok Peter so much. Matt reached back to grab the hand that wasn't holding the needle.]
Not sure that will help. ( he doesn't want this to seem less serious than it is. really, he isn't sure he believes that he can make him see this as anything besides what it is. maybe he should have agreed to that drink, but Peter would rather suffer this sober and do it right. he'd probably drink prodigiously after, did that count?
the first one has to be the worst one, he tells himself. ) I'm okay. ( again, a little quieter this time. mostly to himself. ) I'm okay. ( he can do this, Matt needs him to do this, and he will.
he manages his second stitch easier than the first, hands a little steadier. ) Talk to me about something. ( something to take his mind off what his hands are in the middle of. it might be a big ask, considering how any other man probably would have passed clean out by now. since he is still lucid, Matt should be able to talk. he's good at talking. )
[Matt feels the needle moving, and does appreciate Peter's hands not shaking. He decides to spew some science shit at him. Peter likes science shit.] I can feel the needle but it doesn't hurt. My head hurts, but all this? I numb myself to the pain. Stick said that my sense of touch makes it where I can manipulate my muscles and organs. I don't know if that's true, but I know when I'm really fighting hard, I can't feel anything. [Except righteous fury. Peter might have noticed a time or two during a team up with Matt that he smiled. When beating the shit out of people. He smiled more when he was fighting then he did in his every day life. Matt considers this, and is pretty sure Peter should run away.]
My dad was like that too-- not the manipulating of muscles. He just could take a hit. He was like a brick wall. He got knocked down a lot, but he'd get back up. Found out it was because he had to go down during a certain round. [Displeased face! Thin, white lips.]
( Matt does have his interests down, doesn't he? in fact it is a little shameful how easily his head rolls into scientific inquiry, and sorting through the knowledge he has on fight-or-flight instincts, the body's natural defenses against pain. he's done a little research on it, because of course he has. he's had a lot of need to know about natural defenses and reflexes these days. )
You do it on purpose? I get numb, but only after a few hits. It's like... it's like I can't let myself feel them, because then they'll slow me down. ( Peter doesn't feel as articulate as Matt is, so he doesn't put his point across quite as clearly. still, of all people, Matt should get what he's trying to say. it might be helpful if he could numb himself before the first hit even happens, instead of taking enough that they didn't register the same. maybe he'll ask about how Matt does it... when he's not bleeding to death.
he's making better time on the stitches now, something about Matt's voice makes it easy to concentrate. considering the state he's in, it's even and calm. comforting. well, until he mentions his dad, that is. Peter glances at his face, noting the line of his mouth and the look in eyes that couldn't see anything. ) He was a boxer, right? Why would he throw a fight?
[Matt had a time with Stick. A man who somehow knew about Matt's powers and helped him quiet the loud sounds that kept him up at night. Stick also made Matt feel like he had a friend, up until he left unceremoniously. It still smarts.] Hm? Yeah, I concentrate. But I get what you're saying. It's natural for you.
[He can feel the wound closing up, being held together by nothing more than a little thread. Matt knows he'll have to have someone cut these little guys out once he's healed. Maybe that's something Peter could do for him.] My dad threw fights for money to support us. Pay my medical bills. One night he wanted to do good by me and knocked the other guy out. They shot him. N-not the other guy, the organizer. [Peter will be able to tell that Matt wants to talk about his dad for days. He even bites his lip to keep it in. Maybe it's grounding for Peter while doing such a gross task, but Matt thinks he might cry if he keeps talking.]
( Peter wouldn't call it natural so much as his brain could only keep up with the first couple injuries, and then for the sake of survival blanked out the rest. though, maybe that is natural, in a manner of speaking. he's not going to try and puzzle out a better explanation right now, he's trying to focus on what he's doing.
focus, and listen. for a second there, it seemed like it was helping both of them, and then somewhere it turned and even if Matt is trying to hide it, it is obvious he's becoming more and more emotional by the second. and who can blame him? Peter did not expect the idle chatter to turn into what it had, and feels a little bad for asking for something that led to this. it was probably a stream of consciousness that had to do with the injuries rather than a genuine desire to reveal something so emotional. )
It's okay. I think I'm almost done. ( aka, you don't have to keep talking anymore if you don't want to. by his estimate he's only two or three stitches from done. he doesn't want to not say anything about such a heartbreaking confession, though. ) I'm sorry. About your dad. It sounds like he was a good guy. ( he doesn't need or expect an answer to it, but Peter feels he has to say it. he really gets it, probably more than Matt knows, but dredging up any of the dead father figures in his life is not something he's prepared to do. )
[Matt doesn't give an answer. There's really not more to say. Matt feels a little woozy and closes his eyes. Instead of relaxing, his body tenses up and he'd really like to turn and grab Peter. It would bust his stitches but it'd be worth it. He wants to live in a world where he wasn't injured and Peter would maybe be seen in public with him.]
Shit, I'm sorry. I'm ... I'm really tired. [A pause as he waits for a stitch to finish.] Can you stay here tonight?
( there probably isn't an answer. how many times has Peter heard the same? I'm sorry about your parents. your uncle was a good man. it was just one of those things people said, and while they had the best of intentions it didn't ease the leeching pain of losing someone. once again Peter feels like his words have failed him, because there's so much more he should have said if he knew how to say it. truthfully, if he was brave enough to say it. he can't seem to claw the words out of his chest, even though maybe Matt might like to know he's not the only one to lose someone too soon. he hates that they have it in common.
the stitches are uneven and there might be an excessive amount of them, but Peter thinks the wound is as closed as it's going to get. he cuts off the thread and fishes wearily through the kit to find a bandage to cover it with, touch still careful of the likely bruised ribs as he puts it on. )
Don't be sorry. ( while his thoughts might be reeling spectacularly, Peter is certain Matt has nothing to apologize for. well, except maybe the hitting too soft thing, but he's over that for the present. he can tell Matt is fading on him, which is a mix of reassuring (he should absolutely rest, he needs to desperately) and terrifying (what if he doesn't wake up?). one thing is for sure, though, it is easy to make the promise, ) I'm not going anywhere.
[Matt was taught from the time that his dad died up until even now, that things happened for a reason. His dad died for a reason. But he doesn't really believe that shit. He knows Peter lost someone, but doesn't know the details. He doesn't want to ask and knows Peter wouldn't want to answer.
He tilts his head to Peter's face, eyes slightly fixated on his lips luckily enough. Matt moves faster than he probably should-- planting a shaky, bloodied hand on the nape of Peter's neck, and pulls him forward. Matt kisses him, but it's a little more desperate than it's ever been. A dying man's kiss.] I don't deserve you, do I?
( it isn't possible for Peter to not expect things, and he feels it coming, fast enough that he stiffens. only long enough to force his hackles to lower — thing about super senses built to protect you, they didn't always know what wasn't a threat. his brain is overworked and his head and heart are just about equally exhausted, despite the fact he isn't the one who could have died tonight. his body is just overloaded enough that it couldn't factor in the possibility Matt would try to kiss him, despite the fact they've kissed now more times than he could probably count.
it's not much like the kisses of before. it's stained metallic, the blood a reminder of how messed up Matt still was, despite Peter's best efforts. it's not happy or playful or teasing, it's practically heartbreaking. Peter's instinct when Matt kisses him is to touch him and his hands string with his refusal to do so. it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of not knowing how to without hurting more than helping.
I don't deserve you. the words burn like he's a vampire waltzing through the vatican. Matt sees him as something he's not, something good, something better. that doesn't mean it's true, as much as Peter might like it to be. he's not something Matt doesn't deserve, in fact, maybe Matt is the one who deserves better. someone who will tell him when he isn't alone, someone who isn't so terrified of how he feels that he does all he can to avoid it, even if it self destructs every relationship he has. maybe Matt deserves someone who isn't already guilty of the worst crime a human can commit, and worse yet one so selfish and desperate that he won't tell someone that surely deserves to know. )
That's not true, ( Peter mutters, voice a little cracked. Matt can hear a lie, but there's none to be found here; Peter genuinely believes that, though good luck getting him to explain why. if Matt was verging on emotion before, Peter is probably more than verging. can he use the stress of the night as an excuse? probably, actually. walking in on your not-quite-boyfriend bleeding to death is pretty stressful. ) I need you to be okay, so please. Please. You have to rest.
[Matt doesn't expect anything from Peter in that moment. He knows that Peter's a bit miffed at him for-- well, pick something, there's a few things. He releases Peter from his grip and holds a hand out.] Help me up, we'll put old sheets on the bed because I am pretty sure I am still bleeding somewhere.
[He believes he doesn't deserve Peter. Someone who will keep their temper under control and stitch him up. Someone like Peter-- kind of timid in his presence, that will forget what he did wrong almost immediately and not give him any crap for it. Someone who will let him kiss them even when he's actively bleeding from not calling for help. Pretty much everything from the time Peter busted inside.
( of course Matt wants to move. why keep all the blood on the couch when he can get it on the bed, too? if Matt tears his stitches walking to the bed Peter will kill him before the blood loss can. okay, he wouldn't, but, it'll at least be tempting.
despite the fact he'd had his entire lanky frame compacted into a ball, Peter manages to stand easily, without so much as a foot buzzing from not moving for too long. spider mutations, they're not bad all of the time. )
You should just stay where you are. ( maybe Peter should bully him into staying on the couch, but in his experience his bed is more of a comfort, even if it can be more of a struggle to get to on occasion. it takes a careful perusal of what damage remains to even decide how to safely help Matt up, but Peter ends up on the side without stitches, pulling Matt's arm over his shoulder. at least moving, doing something, helps him to leave the emotions behind. he'll just obsess over them later, that's how he works. ) C'mon. Don't over do it, I don't think you have any more blood to lose.
[Matt leans on Peter, actually giving in and letting him do most of the lifting. Concentrating on moving to the bed, knowing that Peter will lay next to him and he won't have to worry. Maybe he didn't call Peter for the Yakuza business because he worried about him getting a bullet in the head. Matt might just think he's the only one allowed to be a vigilante.] I want you to stay close to me, that's why we're going to the bed.
[They move slowly and Matt has mild hallucinations of them slow dancing and before he knows it-- he's on his side in bed, stitches up.] Oh shit, did I get anything on you? [His voice is a little distant, but his senses are still sharp and he follows Peter around the small room without looking.]
( wow, Matt, rude. you don’t own vigilantism, and if either of them should stay in the game it’d definitely should not be the squishy catholic that healed at perfectly normal speeds, even with a spot of meditation. overall Matt is lucky Peter usually has bigger problems to deal with, problems that rarely use guns when they can be in rhino shaped war mechs or wear a silly costume. if he had more time he very well might pop in on Daredevil more often.
he’s certainly more likely to after tonight.
Matt is compact muscle; certainly heavier than he looks. still not a problem for someone with spider strength, though Peter does note by the time they cross the threshold of the bedroom Matt isn’t really walking anymore. ) ... that is a horrible reason to move, ( Peter feels obligated to point out, but it doesn’t seem like Matt isn’t listening. Peter doesn’t have time to realize he lost him for a second there, because once he gets to the bed for some reason Matt is worried about blood transfer. spoiler alert, the answer is yes. Peter’s hoodie is probably a goner. Peter isn’t much of a liar, per de, usually he just avoids the truth if it isn’t worth saying. still, he’s not above a white lie every now and again. )
No. ( there is a snap of latex as Peter takes off the gloves. if Matt is paying enough attention, he will know that’s a lie. Peter is hoping he’s too out of it at this point. he tries to fish through Matt’s things to find the old sheets, but only spots fancy lawyer suits and more tie variety than a blind guy really needs. ) Matt, shut up and sleep. ( very loving, truly, but despite what Matt seems to think Peter is not actually perfect. the sheets are pointless at this point, Peter is only stalling. stalling what? truth be told, not even Peter is sure. his instincts to be evasive are so strong he doesn’t even need a reason. )
[Matt can smell his own blood on Peter's hoodie, can smell him going to the wardrobe-- no no the sheets are in-- forget it. Matt buries his face in the pillow, and could very well black out then. But he snaps back up, neck craning and sightless eyes facing Peter.]
I'll sleep when you get over here. Please. You know I don't ask for help. Obviously or... I mean... [Matt shrugs loosely, as not to move his stitches too much. He's needy, feeling sorry for himself and just wanting the warm body of Peter Parker next to him. They could make out some other time, Matt just wanted to feel the other man sinking into the mattress beside him. He reached out with a loose hand.] Peter.
( Peter feels strange fishing through Matt's clothes and things, though there's probably no skeletons hidden in the closet Matt hasn't already confessed to him completely unprovoked. of course there's no sheets, not even on the floor, which happens to be where Peter keeps his without his aunt's intervention. he can hear Matt's head hit the pillow and he almost expects that to be it. the guy is tired enough that it could have been, if Matthew Murdock were not so damnably stubborn.
honestly, Peter doesn't know why he's searching for sheets when Matt is already bleeding into the nice ones. he's surprisingly exhausted considering he's only done up a few stitches. a part of Peter wonders if after Matt passes out he can clean him up more without him waking up. the other part isn't sure he would stay awake if he got into the bed Matt seemed determined to coax him into.
is it just him, or is sharing a bed without the motivations of fucking each other's brains out a little more intimate? Matt doesn't seem to think so, so maybe it isn't. if he'd had any intention of refusing, the fact Matt is reaching for him despite the fact he should be out like a light is enough. if he doesn't he is fairly sure Matt will stay awake until he does. he still has his shoes on and he'll feel guilty about it in the morning, but what is worse, dirty converse on Matt's extremely nice bedding, or enough blood to make a generous donation? ) I'm here. ( Matt's hand is still outstretched so Peter takes it in his. just about the only part of Matt he can touch without hurting him. )
If you don't sleep now, I'm going to knock you out. Don't think I won't. ( he's half joking, half serious. for real, Matthew, SLEEP. )
[Sleeping in the same bed is pretty intimate, but Matt can't do those calculations right now. All he knows is that he wants to be comforted. And the only things that comfort him anymore are punching people to a pulp or Peter's touch. Two very different things. Oh, and luxury single malt whiskey, but that would thin up his blood too much and make Peter freak out more. Peter takes his hand and Matt closes his eyes.]
I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. Stay here.
[Matt doesn't hear anything else Peter says, because he falls asleep. He's linked his fingers with Peter's and he doesn't seem to be letting go anytime soon-- though in about ten minutes, Peter could pry his fingers away.]
( yeah, that's a negative on the schmancy whiskey front. Matt will have to make do with some hand holding. Matt isn't the only one that needs comfort, turns out, but Peter knows there's only so much he can get. so he cradles Matt's hand like it's made of glass instead of a weapon that Matt can and does turn against people. he uses it as a pillow to get a direct line to the beat of his heart and uses that as his comfort instead.
it's not fast, it's not slow, it's not scattered or uneven. it's not normal and okay maybe it's weird that Peter knows what Matt's "normal" heartbeat is like. it's not the first time he's paid attention to it, is all. considering Matt uses his senses on Peter all the time, it seems fair enough that Peter can creep on his heartbeat on occasion. it is hard not to fall asleep listening to the reassuring thunder of it under his ear, especially because it has most certainly been a quiet comfort that helps him fall asleep before.
but turns out bone-tired weariness is not enough to put his mind to sleep, when the anxiousness chases to the front of his thoughts. even with the heartbeat, Peter finds himself worrying about whether the injuries will heal. if there's a concussion he doesn't know about that might keep Matt from ever walking up. if there could still be enough open wounds that he'll bleed out, slowly and surely, and Peter will wake up to find him cold and long since gone, and he just slept through it.
turns out that kind of anxiety is enough to keep anyone awake, and Peter instead wakes up to finish what he started. truth be told, it does make him feel a little better to catalogue the injuries and make sure that they're dealt with. by the time he's done (more cuts than he could count, about a dozen bruises, a shiner on his face, the list goes on) Peter is at least fairly confident Matt won't die in his sleep. even if he's certainly asleep — nothing but a few mumbles, even though it can't be comfortable to be splashed with more antiseptic and antibacterial than a hospital floor.
it's only after that Peter lets himself crawl back into the spot he's abandoned, and even then he doesn't fall asleep immediately. he holds onto Matt's hand, watches his restless sleep and lets the worries eat him alive for a little while, before not even they can keep him awake. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2019-07-14 05:25 pm (UTC)Do it-- ah! [Matt clenches his teeth and grunts.]
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Date: 2019-07-14 10:27 pm (UTC)Peter's senses sizzle uncomfortably at the wince before Matt even makes the sound, and despite the fact he doesn't pull back, he definitely feels terrible about it. ) Sorry, sorry, sorry. ( he reaches for Matt's hand and uses it to take the place of his own on the gauze. apparently he has a needle to thread, he needs both hands for that. ) Hold that. On a scale of one to ten, how much am I going to hate this stitches thing?
( Peter is gently estimating about a... 26? maybe 28, if Matt is going to make more sounds like that. )
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Date: 2019-07-15 02:45 am (UTC)[What he said to Peter echos around in his head. And yeah, the blood loss does have him loopy, because he repeats himself.] You know that, right? You have me.
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Date: 2019-07-15 03:43 pm (UTC)Peter can't help it, he huffs a laugh at the question. ) Matt I have to sew you back together. No, I'm not comfortable, but probably still doing better than you. ( his position is awkward, yes, but this is just how he is these days. he can contort without thinking about it and his body doesn't protest odd twists of his limbs. something that they usually have more fun taking advantage of it, but at least he doesn't have to worry about his legs falling asleep.
the needle is ready, though, which means he can only delay so much longer. Matt is distracting him, really, but when isn't he? ) Huh? Yeah, yeah, I heard you. ( hearing isn't quite the same as understanding, though. with Matt so close it is easy to angle a quick kiss against his jaw, and Peter doesn't care in the slightest the guy is sweating, bloody, and probably feverish from his injuries. he seems like he needs the comfort, and besides, maybe Peter needs the little comfort too. ) Tell me how to do this before you pass out, huh?
( truth be told the stitches might be easier on both of them if he did, though after they were over Peter would probably die of the stress waiting for him to wake up again. )
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Date: 2019-07-15 05:18 pm (UTC)[As for the stitches, Matt tried to figure out a way to explain it to him. He did it for his dad as a kid and remembered it being pretty scary the first time. Oh right, that's why Jack let Matt have some bourbon.] Do you want a drink to calm down? That's what my dad-- anyway, okay, you're going to make a stitch, then tie it off, and make another. Go in at a 90 degree angle. Just above the fat. You know how to tie off thread? [He was going to make this up to Peter somehow. They'd go to Coney Island or some shit and Matt would win Peter a giant Spider-Man plushie. Yeah, that sounds nice. Oh boy, Matt was starting to feel dizzy.]
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Date: 2019-07-15 11:46 pm (UTC)Peter sits silently listening to instruction, and maybe even going through the motions in the air as Matt explains it. hopefully he's too blood deprived to pay attention, because it is admittedly dumb, but Peter wants to have a little practice before he's stabbing a guy with a horrific looking needle. making his own suits is never going to be the same after this. )
Yeah, ( and that is not a very clear answer, considering it is impossible to say if he's talking about the drink or tying off. ) Okay. I can do this. ( he feels sick, but, if he's going to throw up he'll do it later. why is it so much worse when it was someone else? he pulls back the gauze (less bloody than the first, that's good), gives himself one last internal peptalk, and leans forward to focus on his first stitch.
Matt doesn't mention if he feels the fact the first prick is pulled back out immediately, or if the first stitch might be too wide. Peter isn't willing to pull it out for another go, he'll just do another if he has to. ) Oh god, ( he says, mostly to himself, but he ties off the first with slightly shaky hands. )
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Date: 2019-07-16 12:13 am (UTC)[He turned his head so that Peter could see his face from his position behind him. He wanted to shh shh and it's ok Peter so much. Matt reached back to grab the hand that wasn't holding the needle.]
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Date: 2019-07-16 01:40 am (UTC)the first one has to be the worst one, he tells himself. ) I'm okay. ( again, a little quieter this time. mostly to himself. ) I'm okay. ( he can do this, Matt needs him to do this, and he will.
he manages his second stitch easier than the first, hands a little steadier. ) Talk to me about something. ( something to take his mind off what his hands are in the middle of. it might be a big ask, considering how any other man probably would have passed clean out by now. since he is still lucid, Matt should be able to talk. he's good at talking. )
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Date: 2019-07-16 02:18 am (UTC)My dad was like that too-- not the manipulating of muscles. He just could take a hit. He was like a brick wall. He got knocked down a lot, but he'd get back up. Found out it was because he had to go down during a certain round. [Displeased face! Thin, white lips.]
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Date: 2019-07-16 03:17 am (UTC)You do it on purpose? I get numb, but only after a few hits. It's like... it's like I can't let myself feel them, because then they'll slow me down. ( Peter doesn't feel as articulate as Matt is, so he doesn't put his point across quite as clearly. still, of all people, Matt should get what he's trying to say. it might be helpful if he could numb himself before the first hit even happens, instead of taking enough that they didn't register the same. maybe he'll ask about how Matt does it... when he's not bleeding to death.
he's making better time on the stitches now, something about Matt's voice makes it easy to concentrate. considering the state he's in, it's even and calm. comforting. well, until he mentions his dad, that is. Peter glances at his face, noting the line of his mouth and the look in eyes that couldn't see anything. ) He was a boxer, right? Why would he throw a fight?
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Date: 2019-07-16 11:45 am (UTC)[He can feel the wound closing up, being held together by nothing more than a little thread. Matt knows he'll have to have someone cut these little guys out once he's healed. Maybe that's something Peter could do for him.] My dad threw fights for money to support us. Pay my medical bills. One night he wanted to do good by me and knocked the other guy out. They shot him. N-not the other guy, the organizer. [Peter will be able to tell that Matt wants to talk about his dad for days. He even bites his lip to keep it in. Maybe it's grounding for Peter while doing such a gross task, but Matt thinks he might cry if he keeps talking.]
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Date: 2019-07-17 01:21 am (UTC)focus, and listen. for a second there, it seemed like it was helping both of them, and then somewhere it turned and even if Matt is trying to hide it, it is obvious he's becoming more and more emotional by the second. and who can blame him? Peter did not expect the idle chatter to turn into what it had, and feels a little bad for asking for something that led to this. it was probably a stream of consciousness that had to do with the injuries rather than a genuine desire to reveal something so emotional. )
It's okay. I think I'm almost done. ( aka, you don't have to keep talking anymore if you don't want to. by his estimate he's only two or three stitches from done. he doesn't want to not say anything about such a heartbreaking confession, though. ) I'm sorry. About your dad. It sounds like he was a good guy. ( he doesn't need or expect an answer to it, but Peter feels he has to say it. he really gets it, probably more than Matt knows, but dredging up any of the dead father figures in his life is not something he's prepared to do. )
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Date: 2019-07-17 01:41 am (UTC)Shit, I'm sorry. I'm ... I'm really tired. [A pause as he waits for a stitch to finish.] Can you stay here tonight?
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Date: 2019-07-17 01:52 am (UTC)the stitches are uneven and there might be an excessive amount of them, but Peter thinks the wound is as closed as it's going to get. he cuts off the thread and fishes wearily through the kit to find a bandage to cover it with, touch still careful of the likely bruised ribs as he puts it on. )
Don't be sorry. ( while his thoughts might be reeling spectacularly, Peter is certain Matt has nothing to apologize for. well, except maybe the hitting too soft thing, but he's over that for the present. he can tell Matt is fading on him, which is a mix of reassuring (he should absolutely rest, he needs to desperately) and terrifying (what if he doesn't wake up?). one thing is for sure, though, it is easy to make the promise, ) I'm not going anywhere.
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Date: 2019-07-17 02:46 am (UTC)He tilts his head to Peter's face, eyes slightly fixated on his lips luckily enough. Matt moves faster than he probably should-- planting a shaky, bloodied hand on the nape of Peter's neck, and pulls him forward. Matt kisses him, but it's a little more desperate than it's ever been. A dying man's kiss.] I don't deserve you, do I?
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Date: 2019-07-17 04:46 am (UTC)it's not much like the kisses of before. it's stained metallic, the blood a reminder of how messed up Matt still was, despite Peter's best efforts. it's not happy or playful or teasing, it's practically heartbreaking. Peter's instinct when Matt kisses him is to touch him and his hands string with his refusal to do so. it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of not knowing how to without hurting more than helping.
I don't deserve you. the words burn like he's a vampire waltzing through the vatican. Matt sees him as something he's not, something good, something better. that doesn't mean it's true, as much as Peter might like it to be. he's not something Matt doesn't deserve, in fact, maybe Matt is the one who deserves better. someone who will tell him when he isn't alone, someone who isn't so terrified of how he feels that he does all he can to avoid it, even if it self destructs every relationship he has. maybe Matt deserves someone who isn't already guilty of the worst crime a human can commit, and worse yet one so selfish and desperate that he won't tell someone that surely deserves to know. )
That's not true, ( Peter mutters, voice a little cracked. Matt can hear a lie, but there's none to be found here; Peter genuinely believes that, though good luck getting him to explain why. if Matt was verging on emotion before, Peter is probably more than verging. can he use the stress of the night as an excuse? probably, actually. walking in on your not-quite-boyfriend bleeding to death is pretty stressful. ) I need you to be okay, so please. Please. You have to rest.
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Date: 2019-07-17 11:07 am (UTC)[He believes he doesn't deserve Peter. Someone who will keep their temper under control and stitch him up. Someone like Peter-- kind of timid in his presence, that will forget what he did wrong almost immediately and not give him any crap for it. Someone who will let him kiss them even when he's actively bleeding from not calling for help. Pretty much everything from the time Peter busted inside.
Matt wonders for a second if he's using Peter.]
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Date: 2019-07-17 03:50 pm (UTC)despite the fact he'd had his entire lanky frame compacted into a ball, Peter manages to stand easily, without so much as a foot buzzing from not moving for too long. spider mutations, they're not bad all of the time. )
You should just stay where you are. ( maybe Peter should bully him into staying on the couch, but in his experience his bed is more of a comfort, even if it can be more of a struggle to get to on occasion. it takes a careful perusal of what damage remains to even decide how to safely help Matt up, but Peter ends up on the side without stitches, pulling Matt's arm over his shoulder. at least moving, doing something, helps him to leave the emotions behind. he'll just obsess over them later, that's how he works. ) C'mon. Don't over do it, I don't think you have any more blood to lose.
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Date: 2019-07-17 04:38 pm (UTC)[They move slowly and Matt has mild hallucinations of them slow dancing and before he knows it-- he's on his side in bed, stitches up.] Oh shit, did I get anything on you? [His voice is a little distant, but his senses are still sharp and he follows Peter around the small room without looking.]
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Date: 2019-07-17 06:03 pm (UTC)he’s certainly more likely to after tonight.
Matt is compact muscle; certainly heavier than he looks. still not a problem for someone with spider strength, though Peter does note by the time they cross the threshold of the bedroom Matt isn’t really walking anymore. ) ... that is a horrible reason to move, ( Peter feels obligated to point out, but it doesn’t seem like Matt isn’t listening. Peter doesn’t have time to realize he lost him for a second there, because once he gets to the bed for some reason Matt is worried about blood transfer. spoiler alert, the answer is yes. Peter’s hoodie is probably a goner. Peter isn’t much of a liar, per de, usually he just avoids the truth if it isn’t worth saying. still, he’s not above a white lie every now and again. )
No. ( there is a snap of latex as Peter takes off the gloves. if Matt is paying enough attention, he will know that’s a lie. Peter is hoping he’s too out of it at this point. he tries to fish through Matt’s things to find the old sheets, but only spots fancy lawyer suits and more tie variety than a blind guy really needs. ) Matt, shut up and sleep. ( very loving, truly, but despite what Matt seems to think Peter is not actually perfect. the sheets are pointless at this point, Peter is only stalling. stalling what? truth be told, not even Peter is sure. his instincts to be evasive are so strong he doesn’t even need a reason. )
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Date: 2019-07-17 07:03 pm (UTC)I'll sleep when you get over here. Please. You know I don't ask for help. Obviously or... I mean... [Matt shrugs loosely, as not to move his stitches too much. He's needy, feeling sorry for himself and just wanting the warm body of Peter Parker next to him. They could make out some other time, Matt just wanted to feel the other man sinking into the mattress beside him. He reached out with a loose hand.] Peter.
phone tags... i have regrets
Date: 2019-07-18 12:18 am (UTC)honestly, Peter doesn't know why he's searching for sheets when Matt is already bleeding into the nice ones. he's surprisingly exhausted considering he's only done up a few stitches. a part of Peter wonders if after Matt passes out he can clean him up more without him waking up. the other part isn't sure he would stay awake if he got into the bed Matt seemed determined to coax him into.
is it just him, or is sharing a bed without the motivations of fucking each other's brains out a little more intimate? Matt doesn't seem to think so, so maybe it isn't. if he'd had any intention of refusing, the fact Matt is reaching for him despite the fact he should be out like a light is enough. if he doesn't he is fairly sure Matt will stay awake until he does. he still has his shoes on and he'll feel guilty about it in the morning, but what is worse, dirty converse on Matt's extremely nice bedding, or enough blood to make a generous donation? ) I'm here. ( Matt's hand is still outstretched so Peter takes it in his. just about the only part of Matt he can touch without hurting him. )
If you don't sleep now, I'm going to knock you out. Don't think I won't. ( he's half joking, half serious. for real, Matthew, SLEEP. )
IT'S FIIIIINE :D
Date: 2019-07-18 03:01 am (UTC)I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. Stay here.
[Matt doesn't hear anything else Peter says, because he falls asleep. He's linked his fingers with Peter's and he doesn't seem to be letting go anytime soon-- though in about ten minutes, Peter could pry his fingers away.]
puts a bow on this one 🎀
Date: 2019-07-18 03:49 am (UTC)it's not fast, it's not slow, it's not scattered or uneven. it's not normal and okay maybe it's weird that Peter knows what Matt's "normal" heartbeat is like. it's not the first time he's paid attention to it, is all. considering Matt uses his senses on Peter all the time, it seems fair enough that Peter can creep on his heartbeat on occasion. it is hard not to fall asleep listening to the reassuring thunder of it under his ear, especially because it has most certainly been a quiet comfort that helps him fall asleep before.
but turns out bone-tired weariness is not enough to put his mind to sleep, when the anxiousness chases to the front of his thoughts. even with the heartbeat, Peter finds himself worrying about whether the injuries will heal. if there's a concussion he doesn't know about that might keep Matt from ever walking up. if there could still be enough open wounds that he'll bleed out, slowly and surely, and Peter will wake up to find him cold and long since gone, and he just slept through it.
turns out that kind of anxiety is enough to keep anyone awake, and Peter instead wakes up to finish what he started. truth be told, it does make him feel a little better to catalogue the injuries and make sure that they're dealt with. by the time he's done (more cuts than he could count, about a dozen bruises, a shiner on his face, the list goes on) Peter is at least fairly confident Matt won't die in his sleep. even if he's certainly asleep — nothing but a few mumbles, even though it can't be comfortable to be splashed with more antiseptic and antibacterial than a hospital floor.
it's only after that Peter lets himself crawl back into the spot he's abandoned, and even then he doesn't fall asleep immediately. he holds onto Matt's hand, watches his restless sleep and lets the worries eat him alive for a little while, before not even they can keep him awake. )